Dream on

I dreampt about my HS boyfriend this morning...and I didn't want to wake up. I was planning on getting up at 6:30am, but stayed in bed til 7:15 to make it last.
Let me fill you all in on Josh.
Josh was my first real boyfriend, my first love. I was so head over heels in love with this boy that I would've cut off my right arm if he only asked me to. When I was with him, I felt loved, I felt complete, I felt like I could do anything. I distinctly remember going out to the mall with some girlfriends when I was dating Josh. They kept pointing out "hot" guys as they would walk by, and I remember thinking something was wrong with me because I sincerely didn't notice them at all! All I could think about was how wonderful Josh was.

I was devastated when he dumped me. My grades dropped, all I did was cry...I was definitely no fun to be around. I had tried to date after that, but all I did was compare every guy to Josh, and none of them could hold a candle to him (in my warped sense of reality at that time).

No guy since has made me feel the way that he did, not even my ex-husband. As I analyzed the two relationships, I tried to chalk Josh up to infatuation. You know, I was young and lustful and didn't really know what love was...but looking back on everything now, I can say for sure that the kind of love I felt for Josh is the kind that I want, the kind that I need. I need that passion!

The dreams with Josh are never sexual, but they are every bit as satisfying. It's mostly just us talking or doing a project, maybe a kiss or a hug here and there. But the feelings he evokes in me are so powerful. I feel so safe, so untouchable by anything bad. God, I would give anything just to feel like that again! I woke up and almost started crying cause I had to leave my bed.

The last I heard, Josh was in Texas managing a nightclub. I really have no idea what he looks like or what has become of his life...I haven't seen him in 10 years. Part of me would like to see him and just reminice about the old days and play catch-up. Another part of me wants to stop living in the past and just forget all about him. I doubt we will ever meet up again anyways. My 10 year HS reunion is this year, but I probably won't go. And Josh won't be there anyways since we weren't in the same grade. I don't have any pics of Josh or I would post them...he definately is/was not your typical "hot" guy...more of an aquired taste.

Speaking of "not your typical hot guy", I finally am letting this guy, Chris, take me out for a drink next Wednesday night. From his pictures I am NOT attracted to him at all! He looks old and not too healthy. I don't know why I finally said yes...maybe because I am like the sales statistic; people will only say yes after the 5th time of asking. Maybe I don't have anything beter to do? Maybe I am lonely? Maybe I just want to write something down in my calendar? Maybe I am hopeful that I am being too judgemental and he will be awesome? Who knows how my mind works!

Nina's trip got postponed, so she is still here (yea!). Maybe her and Jenn will come out to County Line with me tonight!? I know Jenn said she wanted to, but since she has to work late tonight, she just might have to meet me there.

Wish me luck with my outside Wickham park run tonight! I hope I win some shoes afterwards!

P.S. - I really hate just posting words with no pictures, so here are my 2 cats, Mizar and Alcor: