Stripper Ricky

Will somebody please slap me over the head next time I have a bad feeling about something and just tell me to "go with my gut instinct!" I mean I didn't want to date this guy in the first place, but he kept asking, and asking, and asking until I finally said yes. Big mistake!
Ok, so where should I start? This date was a disaster from the get-go.
First off, please note his uncanny resemblance to the character Ricky Smith from the 80's classic "Better Off Dead", but with less hair. Need I say more? Secondly, when I shook his hand and introduced myself, I was about 2 inches taller than him...and I was wearing my low heels! Third, he was donning the old-man-loafer-with-no-socks-and-tapered-jeans look...hot! My ex father-in-law wears this look...and he's like 50. Fourth, he mentioned that he never goes to church...EVER. Not that I attend services regularly at the moment either, but I definitely want to do the family church thing in the future. Fifth, this guy was very effeminate in his mannerisms...a lot of limp wristed touching to emphasize words, and a slight lisp coming out every now and then? Sixth, the man did not shut up the entire date. He asked me how my day was, how the gym was, and what exactly I did for a living...then once all that nonsense was out of the way, it was the "Chris Show" for the next hour. He talked about how he used to work on a cruise boat and all the places he's been, how he used to DJ at weddings, how he used to be really good at Judo before he blew out his knee, how he used to have to run everywhere when he was in the military, blah, blah, blah...talked alot about the past, but almost didn't mention anything about the present...hmmmm?

And now for the kicker, and why I have nicknamed him "Stripper Ricky". Yes, ladies and gentleman, this 34 year old business owner proceeded to describe to me, in detail no less, about how he used to DJ at all the strip clubs in the area for like 5 years. He "knows all the strippers, and they know him, and he slept with one of them, but then she turned all psycho and hid in his closet and then jumped out at his roommate and demanded to know where he was!" He also has a knack, nay, a talent, for detecting the exact day when a stripper starts using cocaine...then proceeds to tell me what to look for. And followed that up with "I don't like women all dolled up and I can't stand lingerie since I've seen just about everything you can imagine...I prefer women in sweatpants." I don't know what that was supposed to accomplish, but suddenly I was very aware that I had taken pride in my look that evening, and started to wonder if he equated me to a stripper.

The whole time while he is telling this unbelievably inappropriate story to me, I am constantly making appalling faces at him so that he will stop. But it didn't phase him one bit. He just keeps right on stripper this and stripper that without missing a beat.

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity of dodging stripper bullets whizzing past my ear, he takes the hint. He looks down at his beer, picks it up, and quickly says, "I don't know if that was really first date appropriate conversation, but it's kinda funny", and takes a sip. He puts the beer down, looks at me and says ,"what do you think?"
"What do I think?" I repeated. "I think that story is quite possibly the worst first date story anyone has ever told me...period." He looked at me like a deer in headlights for about 15 seconds, then gave me a, "ya, but I'm not all that bad, right...I mean you were laughing before?"
He apologized for the offense, I mean, what else could he do at that point? I told him the date was over, thank you for the beers, and I left.

I was seriously mentally exhausted by the end. I had just spent an entire hour trying to appear interested in this guy's self-absorbed ramblings about his past. I needed a boost, so I headed to the coffee shop to grab me a chai and vent to Jenn and Nina about this dude's ridiculousness.

So that was an hour of my life that I cannot get back. Fan-friggin-tastic.